I have very little patience for my mother now, as if living away from her has just heightened my sensitivity or decreased my tolerance or something.
She keeps trying to make me into something I am not. Telling me that she bought some peach colored fabric to make me a dress because she hates seeing me in dark clothes all the time. (When's the last time I have ever worn anything that could be described as peach colored?) Or telling me it's important that I cook good food for my boyfriend. (I'm sure my cooking is the least of the things that would scare him away at this point.) And let's not even get started on how she's already planning for her future grandson. (Future father of my children: we're having girls. Or a girl. But XX chromosomes for sure.)
GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Honestly, I do not care whether my future kids are boys or girls. I would like to be able to cook better. However, I have no desire to wear anything peach colored. Or hot pink. I don't want my mother to run my life. But at the same time I don't want to not do things just because she told me I ought to. As spiteful as I can be. Because that's pretty much the same thing as her running my life, just in reverse.
How do you talk to someone who refuses to listen? How do you reason with someone when all they see and hear is what they want to see and hear and all that they want is whatever they want? Yes, I know, we are all like that sometimes. But she's like this ALL THE TIME.
And I'm still angry. I'm angry at her for not listening and for not being considerate of anybody else. I'm angry at myself for not being a bigger person and not having figured out a way to deal with this by now. I don't know how my dad does it. I know he gets mad, too, but if I were the only one living with her, I think my blood pressure would constantly be about 150/120 and I would just be red in the face all the time. And I am generally a fairly calm person. Just not around my mother.
I'm tried of being angry. But I don't really know what else to do other than just not live with her. I don't know how to do anything else but escape.
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Hi...just wanted to take a moment to say I really enjoyed reading your blog, and to thank you for your courage in sharing these personal thoughts.
I can relate to when you wrote, "I knew my mother was different from my friends' moms" and how you just can't explain it in a way people will understand, and how you use shame to cover it all up.
Those days are long gone for me, but they stay a part of you for a lifetime.
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