crying for help

"I wish my parents would find my drafts of my suicide notes under the carpet by my airvent."
- postcard on PostSecret

Coming across this postcard on PostSecret this morning, it made me think of all the little (and not so little) cries for help. Sometimes they are in your face--explicit threats, violence, substance abuse, suicide attempts. But before those, and most of the time, they are the kind that requires paying close attention. Things mentioned in passing. Long sleeves regardless of the weather. Lyrics in an away message. Routines broken. Clues hidden, but just barely. The little things we do when we want someone to notice that we're hurting, but want to make sure that it's because they care enough to notice, that they're actually paying attention.

Two years ago, I was really stressed out at work about a project that involved many factors beyond my control. I felt powerless and overwhelmed and really really stressed out. My boyfriend was the only person who knew just how much of a wreck I was, since I was too busy at work to do anything but work.

And then my manager at the time asked me one morning if I was okay. She was the only person at work who ever asked me once during that awful project if I was okay. And I lost it. There are maybe six people in the world who have ever seen me cry when it wasn't the result of something like getting hit in the head with a softball. And two of them are my parents. I hate crying in front of people, but that day I just couldn't hold it together any longer. That one question was all it took to break the surface tension.

She handed me a box of tissues and closed her office door. And I don't remember what she said, but I do remember that she helped rally some troops for me to make phone calls and try to contact a few more people. And as comforting as it was to realize that I wasn't alone and that there were people who were willing to help, what meant the most to me was simply that she had asked.

A lot of times it doesn't take much. You don't have to know what to say or what to do. We just want someone to care enough to ask, to open that door and say, "I'm here. I'm listening."

just need to get this out of my system

I have very little patience for my mother now, as if living away from her has just heightened my sensitivity or decreased my tolerance or something.

She keeps trying to make me into something I am not. Telling me that she bought some peach colored fabric to make me a dress because she hates seeing me in dark clothes all the time. (When's the last time I have ever worn anything that could be described as peach colored?) Or telling me it's important that I cook good food for my boyfriend. (I'm sure my cooking is the least of the things that would scare him away at this point.) And let's not even get started on how she's already planning for her future grandson. (Future father of my children: we're having girls. Or a girl. But XX chromosomes for sure.)

GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, I do not care whether my future kids are boys or girls. I would like to be able to cook better. However, I have no desire to wear anything peach colored. Or hot pink. I don't want my mother to run my life. But at the same time I don't want to not do things just because she told me I ought to. As spiteful as I can be. Because that's pretty much the same thing as her running my life, just in reverse.

How do you talk to someone who refuses to listen? How do you reason with someone when all they see and hear is what they want to see and hear and all that they want is whatever they want? Yes, I know, we are all like that sometimes. But she's like this ALL THE TIME.

And I'm still angry. I'm angry at her for not listening and for not being considerate of anybody else. I'm angry at myself for not being a bigger person and not having figured out a way to deal with this by now. I don't know how my dad does it. I know he gets mad, too, but if I were the only one living with her, I think my blood pressure would constantly be about 150/120 and I would just be red in the face all the time. And I am generally a fairly calm person. Just not around my mother.

I'm tried of being angry. But I don't really know what else to do other than just not live with her. I don't know how to do anything else but escape.

Equal but Different?

I am glad that both houses of Congress approved a bill ensuring parity in coverage of mental and physical illnesses. But I wonder (and sincerely hope) the bill will live up to its hype.

Here's the article in the Times:

Congress Backs Parity in Coverage of Illnesses

By ROBERT PEAR

Published: September 24, 2008

Congress moved close to approving a bill that would require health insurance plans to provide treatment of mental illnesses comparable to what they already provide for physical illnesses.

wishin' and hopin': mothers and grandchildren

My mom has been egging on about grandkids (more specifically, grandsons) for awhile. And about marriage too, but I think she's given up on my boyfriend and I getting married anytime soon, and now she's all about how I need to have kids when I'm young. I'm 22! Biological what? Anyhow, so she periodically e-mails me and writes letters with "tips" and "advice" and I think this would probably be hysterical if she were someone else's mother and my friend was telling me this story. Okay, so my boyfriend gets a kick out of it once he gets over the whole being perturbed part. So here goes...

My lovely darling mother tells me that I need to take fish oil supplements to get my omega-3s or whatever, that eating meat is good for men, and that men are "more potent" in the morning. She also keeps telling me that I need to avoid lifting heavy objects, not drink alcohol, and make sure to get lots of bedrest. With my legs raised. Complete with stick figure illustration. Also advised was not to "part" immediately after sex and to keep my legs raised. Presumably so the sperm won't just drain out of me and possible grandsons go to waste. Fortunately there were not any illustrations for that little tip.

Oddly enough, what gets me is not her constant egging on about conceiving or giving me advice as if I were already pregnant (not planning on that anytime soon), but that it's always about me giving her grandsons. Nothing against boys but goddammit, if I believed in prayer I would pray for all girls.

It seems like in the past few years, she's become increasingly more traditional. (Granted, I don't think she ever entirely got over the fact that I wasn't a boy...) When I was younger, she was all about me doing well in school and being the best in...everything. She didn't think I should not do things or not learn how to do certain things just because I was a girl. But ever since I moved in with my boyfriend, it seems like she's always asking about what I'm making him for dinner. Now I'm not opposed to making dinner or any of that, but I resent that she asks me like it's my duty because I'm the woman. This is the same woman who told my dad he had to cook on Father's Day because it was the weekend, which is generally his turn to cook.

And then all this grandson business, oi vey. I remember asking her once, "What's wrong with having girls, huh?" and her response was, "Well, you can have a girl, too, if you want." I've never been super-feminist or rah-rah-girl-power, but I won't stand for being told that boys are worth more than girls. Especially not from someone who wouldn't stand hearing it from her own father. When my mom was young, my grandfather told her that girls don't need to go to high school (in Hong Kong in those days, there weren't free public secondary schools). My grandmother intervened on her behalf, saying, if she earns a scholarship, let her go. And so she did. High school, college.

My boyfriend points out that my mother is delusional, wanting me to give her grandchildren so badly that she already believes I am pregnant. But it still frustrates me to no end.

The Greatest Gift is Hope

Schizophrenia: Disease or a Collection of Symptoms?

An article in The New York Times online discusses new research that supports the theory that schizophrenia is not a disease in the way previously thought, in that it does not seem to result from a specific combination of specific genetic mutations (among other things). It seems that many people who have schizophrenia have combinations of different genetic mutations, which seems to explain the wide range in symptoms. And why medication is so hit or miss.

(My mother is currently taking Zyprexa, but she took a few others beforehand, and for the most part they did not seem to really treat anything so much as just sedate her. She is currently taking a very low dose, but she still takes it before she goes to bed on the days she takes it, zonks out, and is still really groggy most of the next day.)

I wonder how this will influence research/theories about other types of mental illness. Depression is a bit more straightforward (or so it seems) with the seratonin, but what about bipolar disorder or personality disorders? It just hit me that I don't really know too much about mental illnesses other than schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. More reason to learn more...

out of office for my personal life?

I know I just started but man, am I getting slammed at work. The resources post probably won't come until, oh, probably July.

Until then, if you are the random and unlikely visitor, please feel free to leave comments on anything you'd like to know or would like me to touch upon, post here, etc.